Fed up

...with life, with love, with the new apartment, with my job struggles .... sigh. I'm just fed up with all of it. I don't want to be a grown-up right now, it's not working to my advantage. I want to be in school again, being woken up by my mom every morning, where the only troubles were homework and what to wear that day. No job, no bills, no anything stressful. I want those days back, but they're gone forever. And then I die. Life is really peachy, right? This living thing sucks so bad sometimes.

My back feels a lot better now that I'm walking more, but I feel like giving up some days. Walking is difficult and will always be that way, and sometimes I don't want to fight the good fight anymore. Is all this pain really worth it in the end? I don't know. *sigh* And right now I don't care. I wanna crawl into a cave and never come out.

Wow!

Holy Jeebus, Batman! A lot has happened over the last month, and I just got too busy to write! Here's a quick breakdown ....

The child support hearing went pear-shaped from the minute I got there, and DA ended up being arrested right there in the courtroom and thrown in jail for 31 days! He's out this coming Thursday, though, and then I hope he goes back from whence he came and never darkens my doorstep again. I'm still not getting child support, but who cares? All I want is him to never step foot in my life again!

And ... the best news of all ... well, not the best, but still - we got a new apartment! We're out of the hotel, yay! Moved out on the 18th of last month, and I couldn't be happier! Nick's job is still going swimmingly, I'm still volunteering for peanuts a day (but it's still some money, blah) and ... and ... AND ....

*drumroll, please*

I'm able to walk again! Two shoes, baby! Out of the wheelchair and on my own, once again! I went to the doctor last week, and he said I'm completely healed so there's no need for another visit. Wooooot! I'm still not up to the same standard I was pre-accident, but I'm getting there. It's slow going for me, but I'm up! And moving! And about! And I'm ecstatic :)

I also started taking some prescription weight loss pills about the middle of last month, and my pants are already fitting looser than before! I don't have a scale, so I don't know how much (if any) I've lost, but I feel good about myself again, like before ... and that means a whole lot more than any number on the scale :)

Good grief ....

I have a court hearing this morning regarding child support, and I'm scared to death. I hate going to court  for any reason, but child support is the worst. Just the thought of possibly seeing my son's father makes me nauseous, I don't want to see his weaselly face or hear his mouth spout lies. I just want it over and done. Honestly, I wish I wasn't even involved with child support. He can just keep his greasy money and leave me and my child alone, for all I care.

I don't wanna. Why is being an adult so hard sometimes?

Family Movie Night?

Guest post written by my buddy Lavern Small

We’re all about family movie night in our house but lately we’ve really gotten into some premium channel series. There’s one on Showtime right now called Homeland that’s practically the best sow I’ve seen in years and I just think it’s just because I’ve always like CIA type stuff. I love that it’s set in DC, too, because I think it’s so cool seeing all the landmarks and stuff. My husband was really against us getting www.satellite911.com/ channels because he said we didn’t need them but I think all the good shows on Showtime (he really likesDexter, too) are making it worth it for him. I love that he’s so frugal but sometimes you’ve got to make life worth living, am I right? Anyway, we still have family movie nights but they’re often more about watching the latest episode than the latest movie which I think is a great way for us to bond, either way! No one ever said family movie night had to be all about movies, you know what I mean?

Good?

My boyfriend got a job, yippee! I've also filed taxes, meaning we should be able to move out and find a place of our own pretty soon. With any luck, that is. The day after he got the job, I got news that we might end up homeless by the middle of this week but that looks like a distant possibility right now. After a lot of begging and scrambling, we managed to come up with what we need to get by this week so I'm holding my breath. A lot.

Next Monday is court for child support, and then Thursday is my next foot appointment! You know, he had me walking without my immobilizer but after two weeks I was in so much pain I couldn't move. Guess what? Back in the brace now. Next Thursday determines whether or not I need aquatic therapy, but I'm hoping it's a yes! I'm so tired of not walking.

Karma has finally spread her lovely retribution our way ... my boyfriend got a full-time job, and it starts Monday! After he accepted, he got yet another offer for a job tonight for another company! Oh, my stars up above ... I love when things work out. We've been working diligently for over six months to be fully employed, and now all that hard works seems to have paid off! Life = <3 right now.

Pain :(

Life has taken many unexpected turns lately, and I'm doing my best to hold on ... but lord, it's tough! Christmas was insane for many reasons, but it's over and we have a new, untarnished year ahead of us.


I went to the doctor last week because I have a problem in my left breast. It's swollen, hot and painful and has been red in spots. I went in the other day for a mammogram and ultrasound and the doctor called me today. Even though the mammogram showed no signs of any malignancies, the ultrasound showed something suspicious. The radiologist suspected tissue inflammation, and after discussing it with the other clinic doctors my doc decided that a biopsy would be the next best course of action. As she said, if anything is wrong it's early enough to correct it. I've been on Augmentin for the last week in case of infection, but there's something wrong in there that antibiotics can't touch. Needless to say, I'm scared. 

I've also started walking again, and I'm ready to give up. It's so painful! Even though I'm back on my arthritis medicine, I know it's going to take some time and I'm just tired of dealing with so much pain. I try not to cry, and be brave ... but a lot of times I fail. I'm not strong right now, I'm just scared. To help me, though, I went to the doctor today to talk to him about my weight problem. He tested my liver, kidneys and thyroid and started me on a weight loss medication that should start helping me see some progress. New year, new me, right? I'm just trying to take control of my life again, despite all of the recent setbacks. 

I get no help from my parents, the only blood family I have. My mom told me today I need to start walking for exercise, even though I haven't walked in 5 months and don't know how to use my legs again yet. Baby steps ... I also got the litany about my weight when I told her I was doing something about it, and how all of these troubles I'm having are caused by being fat, as she put it. I don't even think she knows how bad it hurts, but I take it and don't say anything. It kills me. Nick wanted to break up with me last week, said I was too out of sorts and not myself anymore ... he just couldn't handle me any longer. It was sort of the kick in the ass I needed to take a look at myself, my life, and realize I really wasn't who I used to be. Hence, a lot of changes. I'm hoping to be better by mid-year. 

Sometimes I just need to talk. I just need to let things out. When I feel like crying, I need to write and I'm stressed right now. Between the health problems, relationship issues and still looking for work I feel like pulling my hair out. Here's to a better tomorrow.

New Sitcoms

Guest written by our friend Solomon Thompson

There haven’t been a ton of great new sitcoms in the last few years (with the exception of Modern Family, obviously) but I’ve really gotten into the syndicated ones I pick up on some of the channels on my Satellite TVTV. It’s been fun catching up on all the old Seinfelds and I love Sex and the City and the old http://www.entourageweeknights.com/ episodes they air of FX. Of course, when they come over from the premium channels they can’t use the vulgar language or anything but it’s been great getting to know some new shows better and I’ve even gone out and rented some of the DVDs so I can watch them in their full glory! BRAVO has some great original programming and so does MTV, though I hate to say it since I’m 40 years old. I guess I’m just a sucker for the kind of stuff that puts me at ease and makes me laugh which is why I watch such low-brow kind of stuff. So sue me!

Gag

I had to actually go buy new pants the other day. Anyone that knows me KNOWS this is the bane of my existence, but that's not the point. The point is, I've gained enough weight that I'm now in another size. BUT! ... I only have about a week left before I go to the doctor to see if I can start walking again. And then what? It's not going to cure my love of food (that, I believe, is psychological), but I'll be able to start using the exercise equipment that I stare longingly at every morning over breakfast. Yay! ... well, possible yay.