So effin determined!

Okay, so even though I fell off the proverbial wagon for a bit, I can still fit into my new size. Mother and I went to look at clothes while we waited on the comforter at the laundromat and I tried on a most god-awful pair of striped pants. I picked up my new size to try on, but there was this voice in the back of my head, whispering despairing things: "That's not the right size! You're just trying to be someone you're not ...." "You know you're fatter than that, pick up the right size!" I shook my head, and the voices subsided a bit but not until I was out of the dressing room.

I have this little problem: dressing rooms make me sweaty. Always have, I dunno - I think I'm scared of them or something. They're so little, and I hate how they all have a mirror. I know, I know  - requirement, but it doesn't make me feel any better. The voices start again before I even put my feet in the legs: "You know they won't fit." "Even if they fit up your thighs, they won't button around your waist."

Will it ever get any better?

I'm determined to keep plodding along, though. No more eating out in the morning (sometimes I was getting "breakfast" on the way to work because it was convenient), no more eating out of the "treat box" at work, either. No more milkshakes, or mindless movie eating. My boyfriend has lost almost 20 pounds since June - what's my issue then? Answer: mind over matter. Too much matter around, delicious yummy matter, and I get distracted.

But I am determined, absolutely determined, to slowly get this weight off. Sigh. I just wish there were an easier way ....

If anyone wants to follow @machinegunangel on Twitter, you're more than welcome.

Feeling better!

It seems to be a cycle every now and then  - I do great on my weight-loss journey, then yummy food comes calling and the wagon leaves me behind yet again. However, I've just sold all my clothes that don't fit so I have nowhere to go but down, right? I don't wanna have to buy bigger clothes again, but I need to find some motivation again. I'm done with Curves for now, I think. I loved going there, but it's just too inconvenient for me to get to regularly, since I don't live close to it. Plus, I'm trying to spend all the time I can with Jacobi after he comes home from school, so I just need to work on losing weight for free once again.

I have an anger problem, and for a long while there my anger got the best of me. I tried writing it down and getting it all out, but that made me angrier. I took it out on everyone around me until there came a breaking point, and now I feel better. That, plus a prescription of Zantac and I'm feeling more like the girl I want to be.

Think I can really do this losing-weight thing? Sometimes I'm not so sure :(

More sympathetic I could not be

That's right, I feel the need - the need for someone to feel sympathetic towards my plight. I feel sick. However, I'm taking baby steps to correct the problem, at least. I stopped at a gas station on the way to work and picked up some of those nasty chewable Rolaids in the fake cherry flavor. Maybe this brick on my chest isn't a small dwarf with a pickax, after all. Maybe I just have a wicked case of indigestion. At any rate, I'm hoping it goes away in short order.

Boo :(

Case of the Mondays

Oh, blarg! It strikes again - my bad case of the Mondays. Usually, this isn't true. I normally view Monday as any other day, when my son wakes me up early and I drag out of bed to go to work. However, The Mondays (great band name, btw) strike on occasion, and when they do - it's fierce. I've been at work for 2 hours already, and can barely keep my eyes open!

As with most Disney movies, I'd like to blame my lethargic Monday nature on Toy Story 2 but I don't think that holds water today. After being subjected to my 2,301 viewing of Toy Story last night, I promptly fell asleep when the movie started. As the soothing sounds of Tim Allen and Annie Potts lulled me to LaLaLand, I fell deeper and deeper into the abyss, finally dragging my carcass to a normal bed and dozing quietly until 5:15.

Is my lack of proper sleep making me bloated today, or is it because I've always been this fat?! Maybe it's my point of view, I'm not feeling stellar about myself lately and my food is starting to slip a little. And water intake. But I'm resolved to getting back on the roller coaster of weight loss, strap in and go for a ride.

Besides, I'm already selling all my bigger clothes and I can't afford to buy new ones again :)

Blame it on Shrek

If I gain weight from this weekend, I'm blaming it on Shrek ... and Buzz and Woody and Tigger, too. Oh yeah, Disney - I got my eye on you. You make your movies attracted to children, and in turn I have to sit through hours of eye-glazing, heartburn-inducing, nail-biting animation. Most of which I've seen a thousand times, and really ... how many times can you hear "You got a friend in me" before you wanna punch Randy Newman in the face?

So I eat. I don't know why, to calm myself? To distract myself from the syrupy nonsense blathering on before me? I'm not really sure. But all weekend long, I've eaten crap. Oh, well, right?

Tomorrow is a new day, and therefore a whole new chance to keep up this weight-loss thing.

Oh, and to whoever created Space Jam? Bad, bad idea. After some initial confusion from my son as to why the show was half-animated (badly) and half real life (badly acted), he seems to love it. So beware - I'm not blaming Michael Jordan for that one; he does have to make a living, after all. But I am blaming Warner Bros., so they best watch their back when it comes to making hackneyed movies with bad acting and cartoon characters.

Time to Sellout ...

Ha! Not really. Time to sell the stuff that doesn't fit anymore on eBay! That's what I spent a good portion of the morning doing, taking pictures and listing things. Seems like I had a ton of stuff, but I know that's not the case. I know it's only one size down, but it's a small victory, nonetheless. Maybe my loss can be someone else's gain (pun intended) :p

I got a job not too far away, working for a chrome plating plant. No, I'm not doing the heavy, sweaty work. I'm doing the girl work, the paperwork. It was supposed to be a temp job, but it looks like there's a good possibility of it turning into something more. No matter, I'm just glad to be working and getting a little money under my belt. My big, expansive belt.

I haven't been to Curves in a couple of weeks, but it's always on my mind. Now that Boy is in school, I want to spend time with him when I get home from work, and it feels selfish to go work out instead. I work 7 - 3, and between school, work and home life ... I just don't know where I'm going to fit it all in. I still watch what I eat and drink plenty of water, so we'll see how things work out. Right now, I'm just goin' with the flow, man.

Wha....?

I came to the realization that some of my jeans don't fit me anymore. That's right, folks - they're too big. I keep belting them tighter, but then gave up tonight and decided to just buy a smaller size. I was in the dressing room, feeling like a fraud trying on jeans a size smaller than what I usually wear, and the minute I put my foot in the right leg my mind goes, "Crap. They're not gonna fit, not even over your calves! Maybe they have a size bigger out there, I should look. Sigh. I really like these .... what? They buttoned?! No freakin way!" Yes, folks, I did it. I can buy jeans a size smaller than "normal".

It's exciting! It's brand-new! It's rock-bottom sell-out prices! (okay, maybe not. I got kinda carried away right there). While I still feel like a fraud, it's kinda neat knowing that my spare tire now crams into a size smaller. Maybe I'm doing something right ... ?

I started a new job yesterday (temp, of course ... so they say) that has me out at awkward hours of the day, so I haven't been to Curves in a week or so ... maybe longer. That's okay, though, right? I'll go back, but I don't think I'll renew my membership when it's up in October. Life just gets in the way, but I know what to do to stay on track now.