Pain :(

Life has taken many unexpected turns lately, and I'm doing my best to hold on ... but lord, it's tough! Christmas was insane for many reasons, but it's over and we have a new, untarnished year ahead of us.


I went to the doctor last week because I have a problem in my left breast. It's swollen, hot and painful and has been red in spots. I went in the other day for a mammogram and ultrasound and the doctor called me today. Even though the mammogram showed no signs of any malignancies, the ultrasound showed something suspicious. The radiologist suspected tissue inflammation, and after discussing it with the other clinic doctors my doc decided that a biopsy would be the next best course of action. As she said, if anything is wrong it's early enough to correct it. I've been on Augmentin for the last week in case of infection, but there's something wrong in there that antibiotics can't touch. Needless to say, I'm scared. 

I've also started walking again, and I'm ready to give up. It's so painful! Even though I'm back on my arthritis medicine, I know it's going to take some time and I'm just tired of dealing with so much pain. I try not to cry, and be brave ... but a lot of times I fail. I'm not strong right now, I'm just scared. To help me, though, I went to the doctor today to talk to him about my weight problem. He tested my liver, kidneys and thyroid and started me on a weight loss medication that should start helping me see some progress. New year, new me, right? I'm just trying to take control of my life again, despite all of the recent setbacks. 

I get no help from my parents, the only blood family I have. My mom told me today I need to start walking for exercise, even though I haven't walked in 5 months and don't know how to use my legs again yet. Baby steps ... I also got the litany about my weight when I told her I was doing something about it, and how all of these troubles I'm having are caused by being fat, as she put it. I don't even think she knows how bad it hurts, but I take it and don't say anything. It kills me. Nick wanted to break up with me last week, said I was too out of sorts and not myself anymore ... he just couldn't handle me any longer. It was sort of the kick in the ass I needed to take a look at myself, my life, and realize I really wasn't who I used to be. Hence, a lot of changes. I'm hoping to be better by mid-year. 

Sometimes I just need to talk. I just need to let things out. When I feel like crying, I need to write and I'm stressed right now. Between the health problems, relationship issues and still looking for work I feel like pulling my hair out. Here's to a better tomorrow.