Oh yeah!

4.44 miles on the bike tonight, 22-something minutes. Feeling strong, feeling good and slowly starting to see results. I think a lot of what's blocking my weight loss is in my mind, you know ... I've been heavy for so long, it's become sort of like a messed-up security blanket. I'm scared to think of what I'll look like after all this weight is gone or something. I don't know ... I know there's something in my mind that's stopping this from coming easily.

I also know this weight didn't go on overnight, so it won't come off overnight. I think part of the problem is I'm so impatient, and focus on the struggle so much. I should really just be forging ahead and counting my victories as they come.

All in time.

Once upon a time ...

....I used to use a colon cleansing product. While it cramped me up something awful and gave me uncontrollable diarrhea, I couldn't deny the fact that I felt lighter and better at the end of it all. Here's a tip, though: if it's on sale for $9.99 at Walmart, there's a reason. I stopped taking it after awhile, simply because the thought of those cramps just made me miserable.

But now I'm wondering - is there a colon cleansing product out there that won't make me feel like my insides are being origami-d together? Hmm ... might be something to research.

I'm feeling good today, upbeat and positive. I rode my exercise bike last night, and am actually looking forward to doing it again tonight! Yup, I'm definitely back on the right track - thank you, Weight Loss Wagon, for coming back and picking me up again :)

Funday Monday

My office cohort doesn't work on Mondays, which has led me to believe that I have discovered one of the triggers that makes me eat. Trigger #1 - I eat when other people eat. This office companion is a large man that eats out at McDonald's (or wherever he can) at least two times a day. Greasy burgers and fries, large slabs of pizza or sandwiches and fries, donuts, muffins, cupcakes ... you know it, and I've seen him eat it all, washing it down with large take-out cups of Diet Coke. So I see him eat, know when he's going to eat and where he's going to go for lunch ... and then I snack.

Not good.

So now I've learned one of my triggers is being around people that eat, that's good! I'm going to utilize the exercise bike when I get home from work today, and sweat up a storm. That should be at least 100 calories from my day gone right there :) Even when I bought new jeans yesterday, I could easily fit into my new size.

Right now, this losing weight trip seems like it's gonna be a piece of cake (pun intended).

w00t!

4.1 miles, 21.18 minutes - that's how long I was on the exercise bike this morning! Wooooooo, a personal best! (even though I've only had the bike less than a week .... ) I'm dripping in sweat, but I feel awesome!

It's time like these, when I have that huge rush of adrenaline, that I feel like I can conquer the world. I can tame the beast known as weight loss, hell yeah I can!

Head splodey

God, I love Mother Nature's never-ending migraine each month. Isn't it lovely? I didn't eat the apple, so why should I have to suffer? Sigh. All it does it make me crabby and hungry! Consequently, my eating has really gone downhill the past 2 days. High stress situations make me snack, and that's so not good! I'm going to attempt some biking today, but not if I still have this Never-Ending Headache after our nap.

Why does losing weight have to be so damned tough sometimes? Is there a psychological reason for this?

Cry ... or laugh?

I have had an effed-up day from the minute my alarm went off at 5:15 this morning. Woke up sweaty and nauseous, and dead-tired, so I skipped the shower, barely downed breakfast ... and my ride for work was late. Sigh. I was upset my son was going to yet another day at his crappy school, so I called a better school, a superb, gold-standard school, and got him enrolled today. I learned I am going to get hired on full-time at my temp job, got paid today, picked up my newly fixed car from the shop, filled out what seemed like a year's worth of school paperwork in an hour and ... ate most of a pizza for dinner.

But you know what? Dammit, I'm trying hard and I had a bad/good/awesome/horrible day (huh?) and I was too tired to cook, or watch Mother cook, or try to sit and look civilized ... so crap for dinner it was.

Meh, who cares? It was one day, not my last meal (I hope!) so tomorrow is a new day, and I shall forge on like the good soldier I am.

Ohhh, I get it!

Thank you, Mother Nature, for once again taking your toll upon my humble body and making me feel like poop. In addition, I feel like snacking. Why do you do this? WHY?!

Sigh. I guess it just means extra time on the new bike tonight. That's okay, I'm actually kind of looking forward to it.

You know, if the Pasta Queen can do it, so can I! I have her book at home, and I love it. I wasn't quite as large, but I still know the struggles she went through quite well. I need to lose the weight, I promise to lose the weight. I've had too many disappointments in my life to fail now! At the beginning of the year, I vowed to make 2010 my year of change, and dammit - I'm going to! I've already started school again this year, moved back home with my family (all things on my Year of Change list) so why am I so stubborn at losing weight?

Wow!

Okay, so I bought a recumbent bike off of CraigsList yesterday. It didn't get downstairs until tonight, then it sat there, taunting me to sit on it. I stuck my tongue out at it, and I swear it laughed at me. I wasn't feeling too hot this afternoon, so I said meh - I'll tackle you tomorrow, Loser of Fat. But the more I Twittered, the more I could feel its icy stare.

So I got on to shut it up. And now I'm a sweatball.

Five minutes in, I was pretty sure I was gonna die. That's a lot harder work than I thought it would be! I should be 20 pounds lighter by Christmas! Svelte and tan and blonde and ... and ... well, none of those am I going to accomplish from a machine, but I can try!

That's what I needed to stay motivated, I guess. Best $60 I've spent in awhile :)

Like something the cat dragged in

That's about how I feel right now.  My hand just plain stinkin' HURTS. I've still got it bandaged, but medicine might be in order today. Ugh.

However, I'm in a bit better mood than yesterday, when I was just mostly upset and angry. I think that Zantac is working, I don't feel nearly as bloated and oogie as I had been. Yesterday, as I mentioned, was a pretty good food day, so I think the wagon might be slowly limping towards my injured body and soul. It's all about the mindset, right? Mind over delicious matter, as it were.

I'm trying, but I don't think I'd been trying my hardest. Somewhere along the line, I'd lost the motivation to keep struggling. It's just weight, I kept thinking. Who cares? If people don't like me for me, then they can shove it.

But you know what? I didn't like me for me, and that was the hardest thing to accept. I'm working on it, but damn - some days I just feel like giving up for good.

No pain, no gain ... right?

In addition to getting my hand shut in a car door tonight, I also picked up a recumbent bike I bought on Craigslist. Lots easier to do than the gym, and there's no drive time! Whee! Much more convenient when I can do it at home ... right?

I just sold a Dooney & Bourke bag on eBay, but I think I have the itch again! They're having such a cute sale right now ... must ... resist ... urge to ... mindlessly shop ....

Think of the goal! Losing weight! Not getting gangrene and having your hand fall off! *focus*

... I feel miserable right now. Will work out starting tomorrow. I did good with eating today, even though it was a little hard to find my groove again. All right, Stella, you can do this!!

So effin determined!

Okay, so even though I fell off the proverbial wagon for a bit, I can still fit into my new size. Mother and I went to look at clothes while we waited on the comforter at the laundromat and I tried on a most god-awful pair of striped pants. I picked up my new size to try on, but there was this voice in the back of my head, whispering despairing things: "That's not the right size! You're just trying to be someone you're not ...." "You know you're fatter than that, pick up the right size!" I shook my head, and the voices subsided a bit but not until I was out of the dressing room.

I have this little problem: dressing rooms make me sweaty. Always have, I dunno - I think I'm scared of them or something. They're so little, and I hate how they all have a mirror. I know, I know  - requirement, but it doesn't make me feel any better. The voices start again before I even put my feet in the legs: "You know they won't fit." "Even if they fit up your thighs, they won't button around your waist."

Will it ever get any better?

I'm determined to keep plodding along, though. No more eating out in the morning (sometimes I was getting "breakfast" on the way to work because it was convenient), no more eating out of the "treat box" at work, either. No more milkshakes, or mindless movie eating. My boyfriend has lost almost 20 pounds since June - what's my issue then? Answer: mind over matter. Too much matter around, delicious yummy matter, and I get distracted.

But I am determined, absolutely determined, to slowly get this weight off. Sigh. I just wish there were an easier way ....

If anyone wants to follow @machinegunangel on Twitter, you're more than welcome.

Feeling better!

It seems to be a cycle every now and then  - I do great on my weight-loss journey, then yummy food comes calling and the wagon leaves me behind yet again. However, I've just sold all my clothes that don't fit so I have nowhere to go but down, right? I don't wanna have to buy bigger clothes again, but I need to find some motivation again. I'm done with Curves for now, I think. I loved going there, but it's just too inconvenient for me to get to regularly, since I don't live close to it. Plus, I'm trying to spend all the time I can with Jacobi after he comes home from school, so I just need to work on losing weight for free once again.

I have an anger problem, and for a long while there my anger got the best of me. I tried writing it down and getting it all out, but that made me angrier. I took it out on everyone around me until there came a breaking point, and now I feel better. That, plus a prescription of Zantac and I'm feeling more like the girl I want to be.

Think I can really do this losing-weight thing? Sometimes I'm not so sure :(

More sympathetic I could not be

That's right, I feel the need - the need for someone to feel sympathetic towards my plight. I feel sick. However, I'm taking baby steps to correct the problem, at least. I stopped at a gas station on the way to work and picked up some of those nasty chewable Rolaids in the fake cherry flavor. Maybe this brick on my chest isn't a small dwarf with a pickax, after all. Maybe I just have a wicked case of indigestion. At any rate, I'm hoping it goes away in short order.

Boo :(

Case of the Mondays

Oh, blarg! It strikes again - my bad case of the Mondays. Usually, this isn't true. I normally view Monday as any other day, when my son wakes me up early and I drag out of bed to go to work. However, The Mondays (great band name, btw) strike on occasion, and when they do - it's fierce. I've been at work for 2 hours already, and can barely keep my eyes open!

As with most Disney movies, I'd like to blame my lethargic Monday nature on Toy Story 2 but I don't think that holds water today. After being subjected to my 2,301 viewing of Toy Story last night, I promptly fell asleep when the movie started. As the soothing sounds of Tim Allen and Annie Potts lulled me to LaLaLand, I fell deeper and deeper into the abyss, finally dragging my carcass to a normal bed and dozing quietly until 5:15.

Is my lack of proper sleep making me bloated today, or is it because I've always been this fat?! Maybe it's my point of view, I'm not feeling stellar about myself lately and my food is starting to slip a little. And water intake. But I'm resolved to getting back on the roller coaster of weight loss, strap in and go for a ride.

Besides, I'm already selling all my bigger clothes and I can't afford to buy new ones again :)

Blame it on Shrek

If I gain weight from this weekend, I'm blaming it on Shrek ... and Buzz and Woody and Tigger, too. Oh yeah, Disney - I got my eye on you. You make your movies attracted to children, and in turn I have to sit through hours of eye-glazing, heartburn-inducing, nail-biting animation. Most of which I've seen a thousand times, and really ... how many times can you hear "You got a friend in me" before you wanna punch Randy Newman in the face?

So I eat. I don't know why, to calm myself? To distract myself from the syrupy nonsense blathering on before me? I'm not really sure. But all weekend long, I've eaten crap. Oh, well, right?

Tomorrow is a new day, and therefore a whole new chance to keep up this weight-loss thing.

Oh, and to whoever created Space Jam? Bad, bad idea. After some initial confusion from my son as to why the show was half-animated (badly) and half real life (badly acted), he seems to love it. So beware - I'm not blaming Michael Jordan for that one; he does have to make a living, after all. But I am blaming Warner Bros., so they best watch their back when it comes to making hackneyed movies with bad acting and cartoon characters.

Time to Sellout ...

Ha! Not really. Time to sell the stuff that doesn't fit anymore on eBay! That's what I spent a good portion of the morning doing, taking pictures and listing things. Seems like I had a ton of stuff, but I know that's not the case. I know it's only one size down, but it's a small victory, nonetheless. Maybe my loss can be someone else's gain (pun intended) :p

I got a job not too far away, working for a chrome plating plant. No, I'm not doing the heavy, sweaty work. I'm doing the girl work, the paperwork. It was supposed to be a temp job, but it looks like there's a good possibility of it turning into something more. No matter, I'm just glad to be working and getting a little money under my belt. My big, expansive belt.

I haven't been to Curves in a couple of weeks, but it's always on my mind. Now that Boy is in school, I want to spend time with him when I get home from work, and it feels selfish to go work out instead. I work 7 - 3, and between school, work and home life ... I just don't know where I'm going to fit it all in. I still watch what I eat and drink plenty of water, so we'll see how things work out. Right now, I'm just goin' with the flow, man.

Wha....?

I came to the realization that some of my jeans don't fit me anymore. That's right, folks - they're too big. I keep belting them tighter, but then gave up tonight and decided to just buy a smaller size. I was in the dressing room, feeling like a fraud trying on jeans a size smaller than what I usually wear, and the minute I put my foot in the right leg my mind goes, "Crap. They're not gonna fit, not even over your calves! Maybe they have a size bigger out there, I should look. Sigh. I really like these .... what? They buttoned?! No freakin way!" Yes, folks, I did it. I can buy jeans a size smaller than "normal".

It's exciting! It's brand-new! It's rock-bottom sell-out prices! (okay, maybe not. I got kinda carried away right there). While I still feel like a fraud, it's kinda neat knowing that my spare tire now crams into a size smaller. Maybe I'm doing something right ... ?

I started a new job yesterday (temp, of course ... so they say) that has me out at awkward hours of the day, so I haven't been to Curves in a week or so ... maybe longer. That's okay, though, right? I'll go back, but I don't think I'll renew my membership when it's up in October. Life just gets in the way, but I know what to do to stay on track now.