I'm tired

No metaphorical reference here, I'm just tired. Physically and emotionally tired ... well, I don't know if emotionally tired is the right phrase but maybe it is ... ? I've been up almost eighteen hours and I'm so tired I'm not sure I'd pass a test discerning left from right. Maybe I could? What about my name? I'm not sure anymore.

This has seriously been the craziest, most tiring weekend I've had in a s-u-p-e-r long time but you know what? I feel happy today. And honestly, I haven't felt happy, really happy, in a long time. As with most things, though, my tough shell is up because I don't feel like being an open wound for someone with a salt shaker. Ahh - there. I was wondering where my metaphorical mind went, but it's apparently come back. I'm tired of being the one that always takes care of things/people/stuff in life, and I refuse to be the pawn in the chess game of life from now on (hehe, I <3 metaphors).

Sleep needed.

Halloweeny

Ugh! I'm so frustrated with life I feel like giving up on everything, you know? I'm adjusting badly to the single life,  and feel stressed about school and just stuff in general, so my food intake has either been too much or too little. My acidophilus has been performing beautifully, however, and my stomach hasn't felt this good in over ten years. Who knew something so small could do something so big? I think it might also be combating the fact that my NSAID foot medicine makes me ill. Woot for cancelling out side effects!

My son and I are going trick-or-treating tonight, he as Optimus Prime and I as ... some sort of random witch-looking thing. I kinda just went to Kmart this morning and bought a witch hat, deciding at the last minute to enter into the Halloween spirit. I managed to hike through a haunted forest last night with my super good friend, of which I could not have gotten through it without him, so I'm thankful. It was also a lot of cardio, and I'm stupid sore today.

November should prove to be a better month, right? I can get back on track and focus on me again.

Sorry :(

The past two weeks have been awful, so my apologies for not writing. I don't know what happened, but I managed to contract some sort of stomach disorder that not only made me lose a lot of weight but made me not able to keep any food I ate inside my tummy. After securing a bottle of acidophilus, the stomach pain went away but isn't completely better yet. There's a small chance my arthritis medicine is making my stomach hurt. There's a contradiction, huh?

I was also in a car accident last Sunday, and I've been dealing with the aftermath of what happened this past week. Pulling out of my parent's driveway and trying to make a left turn, a lady came over the hill and ran into me. But, as luck would have it, since I didn't know the policeman that showed up on the scene and she did (local girl, her dad was the first responder on the scene) they ruled it my fault. Isn't life wonderful? My dad has my car working again, but the hood doesn't lay flat and the whole front bumper has been removed. I've had better times.

My boyfriend and I broke up yesterday, and all that has made me do is want to eat and feel sorry for myself. I'm lonely and sad and hurt, and I recognize that I'm trying to turn to food for comfort so it's an internal struggle to do the right thing. Today has not been a good day for that.

Hopefully I'll have the motivation to write more in the coming days, but for now I have a lot to try and heal from.

Moving is exhausting!

...and also some sweaty, labor-intensive work! I've done nothing but go on the hunt for house items for the past few days, then spent time at the new place getting it all set up. Just a few things left now, then hopefully beds will follow soon. I'm 212% drained of energy by about 7:45 every night, but it's just for a little while longer. On the plus side, I haven't been snacking or even eating as much as I previously had. Part of that is probably due to a stomach bug I had for a couple of days that made it impossible to eat, but still. I'm feeling better just really distracted and active. The less I think about my weight, the easier it is to lose pounds, it seems.

Feeling better?

So, like I previously mentioned, I went on the hunt for a colon cleanser and came up with Dr. Natura. Safe, all-natural and reasonably priced. They claim to help you feel better, inside and out, and detoxify your liver and stuff like that. There's a pill for the liver cleanse, a fiber powder for the colon and then a supplement tea that you're supposed to drink at night before bed to help release all the toxins while you sleep and stuff.

Lemme tell ya ... I feel pretty darned good! In the beginning, though, I had some light cramping but nothing more than a small achy feeling. After 2 days, though, it went away and the cleanse was on! It's been a couple of weeks now (I lost track of my days, you know how it is) and I feel great - lighter than I've ever felt before, plus I've lost a few pounds, too!

So if you're lookin' to feel better, try checking out Dr. Natura. It's a pretty good deal, and I wasn't always in the bathroom, either :p

Selling out

My poor exercise bike, still getting no good use out of it. Know why?  Because I'm now on my feet for a good portion of the day at work, and I'm sore and exhausted by the time I come home. My arthritic feet are having a hard time taking this news, and until I get used to the stair-climbing and general business, I'm afraid my exercise bike will have to wait :(

The good news? I think I'm losing weight by default. Up and down those stairs plus being massively sweaty during my work day means my appetite for those eight hours is basically nil. I mean, I eat something for breakfast and bring my lunch with me to work but I don't feel like snacking or anything - and snacking used to be my downfall. During times when I'm bored or lonely - just when I generally have some downtime - I tend to snack. Like most things, I wish I knew the psychological reasoning for this but I don't. It's just something I'll have to learn to get around, and working my ass off seems to be getting my mind off food :)

As much as I hate to do it, I'm thinking about selling my poor little bike .... but then again, I might be in need of it one day, like a weekend day, and really wish I had it. I'm moving into a new apartment soon, so it's either now or never if I'm selling out.

Holy sickness

Quite simply, I don't feel good. I'll spare you kind readers from all the gory details 'cause it ain't pretty, so rest easy. Today has been long and arduous, and tomorrow doesn't look to be any better. But I'll be looking at an apartment tomorrow, so perhaps the day might take a unique twist. There might even be a car search somewhere in there, as well. I've put in over $1500 this year to keep my POS running and I'm really tired of it.

My legs seem to be getting stronger from all the stairwork and my job, and my appetite is sort of leveling off. Being sick today isn't helping that, either, but my poor exercise bike is now collecting dust. I promise to do right by it in the end, though.

Icky!

If ever there was a plan to lose weight at work, my job has it. This has been my, what ... fourth or fifth day in my new position at my old job, and I am finding that I now sweat my big booty off most of the day. Even in a temperature controlled environment with an oscillating fan ... I still manage to sweat. Not cute, glowing sweat, either - large buckets of sweat. Oh, well. Better for losing weight? That and those stairs are going to get me in shape, like it or not!

Being so hot most of the day also decreases my appetite, so I guess my job is determined to make me lose weight one way or the other! I'm still drinking lots of water during the day, which is especially needed now that I'm so stinkin' sweaty. Hopefully a new haircut tomorrow will also help me stay cooler. Changes abound!

I should know better

Today, my mother and I took my son to the Abraham Lincoln National Historic Park, as well as some other places. For the most part it was pretty fun - there was even a nature walk through the land around his birthplace, very serene. When we were through gawking and taking pictures, we took our sweaty selves to lunch at a chicken place. This is where I should have known better than to eat someone else's chicken when away from home. As a general rule, chicken - whether it be grilled, breaded or fried - makes me ill when I eat it at a restaurant. I don't know if it's the spices or what, but I've now spent the last several hours sick as a dog and fervently wishing I hadn't eaten it. Death seems welcome as an option at this point, rather than this sickness. UGH.

My bike still sits there looking at me, and I apologize to it on a daily basis. Due to a change in positions at my place of employment, I now walk up and down a set of about 20 stairs several times a day. So when I get home, the last thing on my mind is working my sore leg muscles. Maybe the stairs will be good for me .... ?

Sigh

It's been a most crazy week, so my exercise bike and I haven't had time to get acquainted ... but I'm hoping tonight I might be able to, or possibly tomorrow before I go to my foot appointment. I'm tired of it staring at me like I'm a freak loser who bought it but won't use it. Motivation is also a big part of this ... I've been so tired and in so much pain lately that I'm not fond of doing things that bring on more pain, i.e. exercise bike. But I promise, before the week is up, my butt will be sitting on it again.

It's just that right now I'm in a self-destructive love/hate tryst with chocolate, and I can't seem to leave the relationship for good. That says a lot about me right there, doesn't it? Sigh.

Apology

Dear Exercise Bike:

I see you sitting there, staring at me while I do homework and watch TV, read and play with my son. Don't try to hide it, I know you're lonely, and I am, too. You were so happy when you came home with me, thinking you'd finally be useful! ... and you will be. There were some hard, busy days last week and I'm sorry you sat there by yourself.

But this week, Dear Bike, I plan on using you and making you happy. In just a few short hours, I will be sitting on you and pedaling my way to freedom while you smile and accept your usefulness. That tryst I had with food this weekend didn't mean anything, and you know it - you're my exercise love, and I should really pay more attention to you.

So I'm sorry, Exercise Bike. You and I will soon reacquaint our friendship, and be besties once again. I love you, and thank you for supporting me (literally)!

Love,
Mary

Hmm...

As I sit here eating an entire bowl of SmartOnes (or Smartpop? Something Smart ... ) with M&M's, I realize that I've pretty much blown this entire week. Donuts one day, eating out last night with the guys from work, my aforementioned popcorn freakout tonight ... geez. I try to do so well during the day, you know? But it's always one thing (well, in the case of the donuts, three things) that throws me off at some point. I wish the guy in my office that constantly eats would go away. Seriously. By the time I ate my Lean Pocket and string cheese for lunch at 12:30, he'd already eaten his lunch and 3 snacks! WHY?! Two more snacks before I left at 3:00, too? GEEZ! He needs to go away. Like, yesterday.

And why is it called Smart popcorn, anyway? (Smart Pop? Smart Balance? Smart Ones? ... I think the last one is a Weight Watchers product, though - not popcorn). What's so friggin smart about it? It doesn't make me lose weight, I'm still eating. It doesn't do my homework for me, although I wish it would. Smart Water, Smart Ones, Smart Pop (or whatever) - this "smart" craze is one that needs to phase out.

Smart Water? You mean to tell me people are going to buy water called that? It's w-a-t-e-r.

Are you kidding me??

My apples ended up being icky in the middle so I had to throw them away. I then go back to the break room to cook my Lean Pocket and ... wtf are those white boxes in the middle of the table? DOUGHNUT BOXES?! Are you absolutely kidding me today, Dear World?

Sigh. Three donuts later, and I'm in total regret and possible denial. Today was a horrible day, maybe tomorrow will be less stressful and doughnut-free in its entirety.

I call do-over

This day is sucking already. In fact, this whole week is impossibly sucking so far, and it's only Wednesday! Yesterday, I wanted to mindlessly eat and I couldn't figure out why. I tried to curb the impulse as best I could, but I was tired and miserable. Today, I'm hungry even though I've eaten breakfast, and I also started the day by falling off the kitchen step into the garage. Go me, huh? So I hurt, and I cried, and then I drove to work where I promptly smashed my thumb between my desk chair and desk. At this point, I'm surprised I'm still alive.

I bought a new scale the other day, and it tells me I weight 4 more pounds than I did at the end of July, yet I've gone down at least one whole size. Sigh. Is it possible that technology is against the advancement of weight loss, too? I feel down today, and am really fighting the urge to run out and get a donut. Why a donut, I don't know since I haven't had a doughnut in ages. Maybe I'll eat my apple and continue to look online for ways to make additional money by writing; that seems to be my go-to activity as of late.

Should I even attempt the exercise bike tonight with the clumsy way my day is turning out? I'm afraid of getting caught in the pedals or something at this point.

Blueberry Hell

It took me a long time before I could stomach the thought of blueberries - years, in fact. But several years ago, when I moved to Maine I didn't know it was, like, the Blueberry Capital of the World ... or something like that. Blueberries everywhere. There was even a building shaped like a blueberry and painted a hideous purplish-blue - tourists loved the giant eyesore, but I was appalled. Anyway, everything was made with blueberries, and my husband-at-the-time, well - his family was in love with blueberries, so I ate a lot of them.

I'll admit, it's not a bad fruit when used in moderation. And when they're mixed in a delicious muffin sprinkled with crystallized sugar I'm a huge fan. I think I may have even eaten them in a berry parfait before. So while I'm not totally opposed to thinks of the blueberry nature, I am not keen on them being in yogurt, or other dairy products.

Sure, I love strawberry yogurt. I even like the yogurt that tastes like other foods - like cheesecake, pie, etc. - and I am generally opposed to foods tasting like other foods. So when I was at the store today looking at yogurt, I decided to try this Greek yogurt everyone is raving about. "Two times the protein!" "Beat the mid-day hunger blues!" I was all gung-ho for it, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, it's all blueberry flavored. Of all the flavors to lure people in to try their yogurt, blueberry was the best they could come up with? I couldn't find strawberry, or even plain vanilla. It was blueberry hell everywhere I looked. What's up with that?

I walked away with Yoplait Crunch strawberry cups, totally disillusioned over Greek yogurt. It may have ruined me for trying it ever again, even if I can find it in other, normal flavors. Sigh.

Good morning!

Whew! Just past 8 in the morning, and I've already had breakfast and ridden the exercise bike 3.5 miles. Hooah! Gonna be a good day, I can tell. I wish I could ride the bike every morning before my shower, but I'd have to get up sooo early, and I already wake up at 5:15 - any earlier just ain't happenin'.

I think I'll ride it again after dinner, since I seem to be on a roll. The only thing I wonder about is how much weight I've lost, since I haven't weighed myself since the end of July. Surely I've lost some weight by then! Maybe I'll invest in a scale soon.

Weekend!

Today is the start of what I hope is going to be a really good 3-day weekend. My son seems like he's coming down with a cold, though, so the Festival we were going to go to tomorrow may have to be postponed :(

However ... I've had a pretty good week food-wise, and I feel good about that. Worked out tonight for 22 minutes, and it felt good! YAY!

Moving to Kentucky was the best decision at this time in my life. I was miserable and upset in my situation in Minnesota, that's for sure. I had at least 4 nervous breakdowns in 3 years, stopped caring about myself, my son, my apartment ... stopped caring about life. I became angry at the world around me, and felt like I was always going to be chasing my tail, going nowhere.

But I've been in Kentucky now about two-and-a-half months, and I'm starting to discover who I am again. The good news? I bought some new pants yesterday, and they were a size smaller than even my new size. You know what that means? I've lost 2 pants sizes since June, and it's all due to  being in a different situation with people that can love me, support me, and help me live life again. That means the absolute world to me, and I wouldn't change it for anything. I have a good steady job, I have a (mostly) working car, I'm with my family again ... hopefully my boyfriend will be here next month ....

Six months ago I never knew I could have it this good.

On a quest for a good shampoo!

I don't like to admit it, but I have thinning hair. 29 years old, and I have thinning hair. I thought at  first it was from my pregnancy, you know? All those hormones make your hair grow in lush and thick and shiny and then because Life thinks it's funny it makes all that hair fall out again. But no ... this is just where I'm destined to go, I guess.

So I've set out on the quest for a great shampoo, something preferably with oils or vitamins or ... I don't know, something that will help my hair stay on my head! So I went looking at Become.com looking for tea tree shampoo, which I hear is awesome for making thick, shiny hair. Looking at it, it's also fairly reasonably priced, so I might check it out. I'm also going to look for keratin shampoo, since I hear that it's got protein and is good for strengthening hair.

And because I need something to coif all of this newly luxurious hair I'm going to have (eventually), I'll need a new hair blow dryer. Mine is something from the 80's, I think, and blows ridiculously warm air. Time for a new one? Sigh. Probably. While I'm looking, I should probably look for grey hair shampoos, too, since that also runs in the family. And I'm already starting to get them! What? I'm not old enough yet!

Well, one day ... in the meantime, I'm off to find a great shampoo. Maybe I'll find one that'll help me lose weight, too :)

Le sigh

I haven't been sleeping well lately, then I wake up at 5:15 every day with the alarm, since work is at 7:00. I can't keep doing this, it's wearing me out :( Last night, I kept hearing noises and imagining things which made me sleep with the lamp on for part of bed time - the other part, I was wondering if I'd slept through my alarm. I've already gone through a horribly long bout of insomnia this year, I can't do that again. I mean, I get sleepy - really sleepy - but I'm having trouble staying asleep.

Therefore, I had absolutely zero motivation to work out tonight; my body is so tired. I tried, at least,  but only got 5 minutes in before I could barely keep my eyes open. Maybe tomorrow will be better ... I know they can't all be good ones, and I guess this is just one of those times.

*yawn*

Oh yeah!

4.44 miles on the bike tonight, 22-something minutes. Feeling strong, feeling good and slowly starting to see results. I think a lot of what's blocking my weight loss is in my mind, you know ... I've been heavy for so long, it's become sort of like a messed-up security blanket. I'm scared to think of what I'll look like after all this weight is gone or something. I don't know ... I know there's something in my mind that's stopping this from coming easily.

I also know this weight didn't go on overnight, so it won't come off overnight. I think part of the problem is I'm so impatient, and focus on the struggle so much. I should really just be forging ahead and counting my victories as they come.

All in time.

Once upon a time ...

....I used to use a colon cleansing product. While it cramped me up something awful and gave me uncontrollable diarrhea, I couldn't deny the fact that I felt lighter and better at the end of it all. Here's a tip, though: if it's on sale for $9.99 at Walmart, there's a reason. I stopped taking it after awhile, simply because the thought of those cramps just made me miserable.

But now I'm wondering - is there a colon cleansing product out there that won't make me feel like my insides are being origami-d together? Hmm ... might be something to research.

I'm feeling good today, upbeat and positive. I rode my exercise bike last night, and am actually looking forward to doing it again tonight! Yup, I'm definitely back on the right track - thank you, Weight Loss Wagon, for coming back and picking me up again :)

Funday Monday

My office cohort doesn't work on Mondays, which has led me to believe that I have discovered one of the triggers that makes me eat. Trigger #1 - I eat when other people eat. This office companion is a large man that eats out at McDonald's (or wherever he can) at least two times a day. Greasy burgers and fries, large slabs of pizza or sandwiches and fries, donuts, muffins, cupcakes ... you know it, and I've seen him eat it all, washing it down with large take-out cups of Diet Coke. So I see him eat, know when he's going to eat and where he's going to go for lunch ... and then I snack.

Not good.

So now I've learned one of my triggers is being around people that eat, that's good! I'm going to utilize the exercise bike when I get home from work today, and sweat up a storm. That should be at least 100 calories from my day gone right there :) Even when I bought new jeans yesterday, I could easily fit into my new size.

Right now, this losing weight trip seems like it's gonna be a piece of cake (pun intended).

w00t!

4.1 miles, 21.18 minutes - that's how long I was on the exercise bike this morning! Wooooooo, a personal best! (even though I've only had the bike less than a week .... ) I'm dripping in sweat, but I feel awesome!

It's time like these, when I have that huge rush of adrenaline, that I feel like I can conquer the world. I can tame the beast known as weight loss, hell yeah I can!

Head splodey

God, I love Mother Nature's never-ending migraine each month. Isn't it lovely? I didn't eat the apple, so why should I have to suffer? Sigh. All it does it make me crabby and hungry! Consequently, my eating has really gone downhill the past 2 days. High stress situations make me snack, and that's so not good! I'm going to attempt some biking today, but not if I still have this Never-Ending Headache after our nap.

Why does losing weight have to be so damned tough sometimes? Is there a psychological reason for this?

Cry ... or laugh?

I have had an effed-up day from the minute my alarm went off at 5:15 this morning. Woke up sweaty and nauseous, and dead-tired, so I skipped the shower, barely downed breakfast ... and my ride for work was late. Sigh. I was upset my son was going to yet another day at his crappy school, so I called a better school, a superb, gold-standard school, and got him enrolled today. I learned I am going to get hired on full-time at my temp job, got paid today, picked up my newly fixed car from the shop, filled out what seemed like a year's worth of school paperwork in an hour and ... ate most of a pizza for dinner.

But you know what? Dammit, I'm trying hard and I had a bad/good/awesome/horrible day (huh?) and I was too tired to cook, or watch Mother cook, or try to sit and look civilized ... so crap for dinner it was.

Meh, who cares? It was one day, not my last meal (I hope!) so tomorrow is a new day, and I shall forge on like the good soldier I am.

Ohhh, I get it!

Thank you, Mother Nature, for once again taking your toll upon my humble body and making me feel like poop. In addition, I feel like snacking. Why do you do this? WHY?!

Sigh. I guess it just means extra time on the new bike tonight. That's okay, I'm actually kind of looking forward to it.

You know, if the Pasta Queen can do it, so can I! I have her book at home, and I love it. I wasn't quite as large, but I still know the struggles she went through quite well. I need to lose the weight, I promise to lose the weight. I've had too many disappointments in my life to fail now! At the beginning of the year, I vowed to make 2010 my year of change, and dammit - I'm going to! I've already started school again this year, moved back home with my family (all things on my Year of Change list) so why am I so stubborn at losing weight?

Wow!

Okay, so I bought a recumbent bike off of CraigsList yesterday. It didn't get downstairs until tonight, then it sat there, taunting me to sit on it. I stuck my tongue out at it, and I swear it laughed at me. I wasn't feeling too hot this afternoon, so I said meh - I'll tackle you tomorrow, Loser of Fat. But the more I Twittered, the more I could feel its icy stare.

So I got on to shut it up. And now I'm a sweatball.

Five minutes in, I was pretty sure I was gonna die. That's a lot harder work than I thought it would be! I should be 20 pounds lighter by Christmas! Svelte and tan and blonde and ... and ... well, none of those am I going to accomplish from a machine, but I can try!

That's what I needed to stay motivated, I guess. Best $60 I've spent in awhile :)

Like something the cat dragged in

That's about how I feel right now.  My hand just plain stinkin' HURTS. I've still got it bandaged, but medicine might be in order today. Ugh.

However, I'm in a bit better mood than yesterday, when I was just mostly upset and angry. I think that Zantac is working, I don't feel nearly as bloated and oogie as I had been. Yesterday, as I mentioned, was a pretty good food day, so I think the wagon might be slowly limping towards my injured body and soul. It's all about the mindset, right? Mind over delicious matter, as it were.

I'm trying, but I don't think I'd been trying my hardest. Somewhere along the line, I'd lost the motivation to keep struggling. It's just weight, I kept thinking. Who cares? If people don't like me for me, then they can shove it.

But you know what? I didn't like me for me, and that was the hardest thing to accept. I'm working on it, but damn - some days I just feel like giving up for good.

No pain, no gain ... right?

In addition to getting my hand shut in a car door tonight, I also picked up a recumbent bike I bought on Craigslist. Lots easier to do than the gym, and there's no drive time! Whee! Much more convenient when I can do it at home ... right?

I just sold a Dooney & Bourke bag on eBay, but I think I have the itch again! They're having such a cute sale right now ... must ... resist ... urge to ... mindlessly shop ....

Think of the goal! Losing weight! Not getting gangrene and having your hand fall off! *focus*

... I feel miserable right now. Will work out starting tomorrow. I did good with eating today, even though it was a little hard to find my groove again. All right, Stella, you can do this!!

So effin determined!

Okay, so even though I fell off the proverbial wagon for a bit, I can still fit into my new size. Mother and I went to look at clothes while we waited on the comforter at the laundromat and I tried on a most god-awful pair of striped pants. I picked up my new size to try on, but there was this voice in the back of my head, whispering despairing things: "That's not the right size! You're just trying to be someone you're not ...." "You know you're fatter than that, pick up the right size!" I shook my head, and the voices subsided a bit but not until I was out of the dressing room.

I have this little problem: dressing rooms make me sweaty. Always have, I dunno - I think I'm scared of them or something. They're so little, and I hate how they all have a mirror. I know, I know  - requirement, but it doesn't make me feel any better. The voices start again before I even put my feet in the legs: "You know they won't fit." "Even if they fit up your thighs, they won't button around your waist."

Will it ever get any better?

I'm determined to keep plodding along, though. No more eating out in the morning (sometimes I was getting "breakfast" on the way to work because it was convenient), no more eating out of the "treat box" at work, either. No more milkshakes, or mindless movie eating. My boyfriend has lost almost 20 pounds since June - what's my issue then? Answer: mind over matter. Too much matter around, delicious yummy matter, and I get distracted.

But I am determined, absolutely determined, to slowly get this weight off. Sigh. I just wish there were an easier way ....

If anyone wants to follow @machinegunangel on Twitter, you're more than welcome.

Feeling better!

It seems to be a cycle every now and then  - I do great on my weight-loss journey, then yummy food comes calling and the wagon leaves me behind yet again. However, I've just sold all my clothes that don't fit so I have nowhere to go but down, right? I don't wanna have to buy bigger clothes again, but I need to find some motivation again. I'm done with Curves for now, I think. I loved going there, but it's just too inconvenient for me to get to regularly, since I don't live close to it. Plus, I'm trying to spend all the time I can with Jacobi after he comes home from school, so I just need to work on losing weight for free once again.

I have an anger problem, and for a long while there my anger got the best of me. I tried writing it down and getting it all out, but that made me angrier. I took it out on everyone around me until there came a breaking point, and now I feel better. That, plus a prescription of Zantac and I'm feeling more like the girl I want to be.

Think I can really do this losing-weight thing? Sometimes I'm not so sure :(

More sympathetic I could not be

That's right, I feel the need - the need for someone to feel sympathetic towards my plight. I feel sick. However, I'm taking baby steps to correct the problem, at least. I stopped at a gas station on the way to work and picked up some of those nasty chewable Rolaids in the fake cherry flavor. Maybe this brick on my chest isn't a small dwarf with a pickax, after all. Maybe I just have a wicked case of indigestion. At any rate, I'm hoping it goes away in short order.

Boo :(

Case of the Mondays

Oh, blarg! It strikes again - my bad case of the Mondays. Usually, this isn't true. I normally view Monday as any other day, when my son wakes me up early and I drag out of bed to go to work. However, The Mondays (great band name, btw) strike on occasion, and when they do - it's fierce. I've been at work for 2 hours already, and can barely keep my eyes open!

As with most Disney movies, I'd like to blame my lethargic Monday nature on Toy Story 2 but I don't think that holds water today. After being subjected to my 2,301 viewing of Toy Story last night, I promptly fell asleep when the movie started. As the soothing sounds of Tim Allen and Annie Potts lulled me to LaLaLand, I fell deeper and deeper into the abyss, finally dragging my carcass to a normal bed and dozing quietly until 5:15.

Is my lack of proper sleep making me bloated today, or is it because I've always been this fat?! Maybe it's my point of view, I'm not feeling stellar about myself lately and my food is starting to slip a little. And water intake. But I'm resolved to getting back on the roller coaster of weight loss, strap in and go for a ride.

Besides, I'm already selling all my bigger clothes and I can't afford to buy new ones again :)

Blame it on Shrek

If I gain weight from this weekend, I'm blaming it on Shrek ... and Buzz and Woody and Tigger, too. Oh yeah, Disney - I got my eye on you. You make your movies attracted to children, and in turn I have to sit through hours of eye-glazing, heartburn-inducing, nail-biting animation. Most of which I've seen a thousand times, and really ... how many times can you hear "You got a friend in me" before you wanna punch Randy Newman in the face?

So I eat. I don't know why, to calm myself? To distract myself from the syrupy nonsense blathering on before me? I'm not really sure. But all weekend long, I've eaten crap. Oh, well, right?

Tomorrow is a new day, and therefore a whole new chance to keep up this weight-loss thing.

Oh, and to whoever created Space Jam? Bad, bad idea. After some initial confusion from my son as to why the show was half-animated (badly) and half real life (badly acted), he seems to love it. So beware - I'm not blaming Michael Jordan for that one; he does have to make a living, after all. But I am blaming Warner Bros., so they best watch their back when it comes to making hackneyed movies with bad acting and cartoon characters.

Time to Sellout ...

Ha! Not really. Time to sell the stuff that doesn't fit anymore on eBay! That's what I spent a good portion of the morning doing, taking pictures and listing things. Seems like I had a ton of stuff, but I know that's not the case. I know it's only one size down, but it's a small victory, nonetheless. Maybe my loss can be someone else's gain (pun intended) :p

I got a job not too far away, working for a chrome plating plant. No, I'm not doing the heavy, sweaty work. I'm doing the girl work, the paperwork. It was supposed to be a temp job, but it looks like there's a good possibility of it turning into something more. No matter, I'm just glad to be working and getting a little money under my belt. My big, expansive belt.

I haven't been to Curves in a couple of weeks, but it's always on my mind. Now that Boy is in school, I want to spend time with him when I get home from work, and it feels selfish to go work out instead. I work 7 - 3, and between school, work and home life ... I just don't know where I'm going to fit it all in. I still watch what I eat and drink plenty of water, so we'll see how things work out. Right now, I'm just goin' with the flow, man.

Wha....?

I came to the realization that some of my jeans don't fit me anymore. That's right, folks - they're too big. I keep belting them tighter, but then gave up tonight and decided to just buy a smaller size. I was in the dressing room, feeling like a fraud trying on jeans a size smaller than what I usually wear, and the minute I put my foot in the right leg my mind goes, "Crap. They're not gonna fit, not even over your calves! Maybe they have a size bigger out there, I should look. Sigh. I really like these .... what? They buttoned?! No freakin way!" Yes, folks, I did it. I can buy jeans a size smaller than "normal".

It's exciting! It's brand-new! It's rock-bottom sell-out prices! (okay, maybe not. I got kinda carried away right there). While I still feel like a fraud, it's kinda neat knowing that my spare tire now crams into a size smaller. Maybe I'm doing something right ... ?

I started a new job yesterday (temp, of course ... so they say) that has me out at awkward hours of the day, so I haven't been to Curves in a week or so ... maybe longer. That's okay, though, right? I'll go back, but I don't think I'll renew my membership when it's up in October. Life just gets in the way, but I know what to do to stay on track now.

Oh, what-EVER!

My weigh-in before my workout this morning said I had lost a total of 3.75 inches and only ONE POUND! In addition, the fat indicator thingy said my BMI had gone up! How is that possible when I lost?! I call BS on this one.

*frustrated*

Losing weight, feeling great

I've been a member of Curves now for almost four weeks - wow. I never thought I'd ever be able to commit to a gym, even if Curves isn't like a regular gym in the traditional sense. I can tell I'm losing ... something, because I had to buy black pants for an ill-fated job last week, and most pants I got were a size smaller than what I normally wear. Go me! Weigh-in and measurement check is on Monday, and I'm hoping for some sort of loss, no matter how small - at least it'll be a step in the right direction!

I'm not nearly as stressed as I used to be, but I've also slowed my water intake from deliriously thirsty every second of the day to normal water drinking. It's amazing to me that I can just go to the faucet and get drinkable water - that hadn't happened for me in nearly four years! I also think I was seriously dehydrated when I got here, so my body demanded more water than I could stand. It's still my go-to drink of choice, but I'm getting into more of a routine so it's not as frantic. Thankfully, it's still hot (I know, I sound crazy) so I'm also sweating out a ton of toxins and ... weight? Hopefully!

Time to go search Amazon for a Finding Nemo [VHS] tape. Jacobi seems to really like the idea of a tape more than a DVD, even though both levels of the house have DVD and VCR alike. He's an old-fashioned soul.

Almost a month ...

I've been in Kentucky almost a month now, and my mother says I don't look like I did when I got here, or even when she last saw me. I'm wearing shirts now that haven't fit me properly in ages, jeans that I never thought I'd ever see myself in, and am actually keeping a workout schedule of three times a week at Curves without failure. I bought myself a proper aluminum water bottle like a real adult, have been drinking tons of water and (mostly) watching what I eat so I think by the time my weigh-in comes around again ... well, I'm hoping to have lost at least 5 pounds. I think that's doable, right? The Curves people said that I'll be building up muscle for awhile, but that helps fuel weight loss in the long run.

I'm down with that.

Hopefully, by the time Matt sees me again it'll be like he has a whole new girlfriend!

Woohoo!

I joined Curves today! Mother signed me up for a free class, and I went and it was awesome so I signed up! I'm really excited, AND ... the coup de grace (heh) - I've lost 13 pounds since my last weigh-in on the 15th! I'm not totally certain, but I'm gonna attribute the sudden drop to sweating my ass off, drinking 2 liters of water a day and healthy portion control. Sweet! One time around the Curves circuit today and the trainer had to go get me a towel, sweat was pouring down my face into my eyes, making it not only hard to see but also to keep my glasses on. That's a fun time!

FYI ... losing this recent weight means I lost more in 2 weeks than I did during the entire Biggest Loser competition at my last job. Amazing what a less-stressed environment will do for a person ....

...now if I could just do something about this awful haircuit I got today. Oh yeah, and find a job :p

A week!

Yup, that's right - been here a week now, and I'm still getting acclimated to being here. I've gotten a lot of stuff done, like applying for assistance, calling schools for Jacobi, getting my driver's license, new car insurance, new title and tags, getting Jacobi back on WIC ... whew. It's been really hectic, but I've managed to cram in a job interview and snag a second interview, too.

It's nice to be able to drink water whenever I want - and tap water, at that! I go through about 2 liters of water a day, sometimes more, and my kidneys thank me. I feel regular and normal again ... it's amazing what clean, fresh water can do for a person! I think I've lost weight, too; my tightest pair of pants are buttoning just a little bit easier now. Of course, I'm not going to weigh myself for awhile, don't wanna get discouraged, but I feel a lot better. It's been easier to keep on a regular meal schedule, there are plenty of healthy snacks and fruits around, and eating better is super simple. For my health, this was a great move, I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I also don't have all the stress I had in Minnesota, doing everything by myself and feeling overworked, overloaded, blah and fatigued. I was miserable there, I didn't feel comfortable and honestly felt like I probably hated it. The town, the people ... I just didn't fit in, and every day was a delicate balance to make sure you didn't do or say anything that people would gossip about it, lest your reputation be spread around and dissected.

Lord, I hate small towns. With a fierce, fiery passion.

I'm just feeling a lot less stressed and a lot healthier, so by the time Matt gets here he won't even recognize me. Even if I haven't lost that much weight by then, my demeanor has changed which means my facial features are more relaxed, too. I don't constantly look like I have a stomach cramp.

Change can definitely be a good, needed thing.

Here we are!

Well, we made it to Kentucky safe and sound Saturday night about 5:00 after the most arduous drive ever. Over 900 miles, but we got here. And it's hot as hell, like living on the sun. Losing weight should be easy-peasy, I'm just going to sweat it all out, apparently. Minnesota living really spoiled me to good weather, so I was completely unprepared for this monstrous heat.

My mother is great about making regular meals, which is really helping. Plus, with it being hot, I'm drinking lots of water again. It's easy, too, now that I have drinkable water at the ready; Halstad had gross tap water, and it was too much of a pain in the ass to keep going to the grocery store for gallons of water, so I had really cut back on my water intake. I feel like I'm living in civilization again, it's nice. I miss Matt, but he'll be here soon. I also live down in the basement, down lots of stairs, so that's a workout without even knowing it. I was actually a little out of breath the first few times I went up and down. Maybe it'll be good for my bad knees and gimp foot, too.

I'm 120% looking forward to a new start on life. Today is getting Jacobi set up for school and getting other stuff set up for being in a new state, too. It's going to be a busy day, a busy week, but I'm looking forward to it.

Big surprise

It shouldn't come as a shock that I've managed to gain weight this last month - I've been so stressed and worried and happy and sad that I've just sort of given up. However, next week is the time for me to get back on track. I'll finally be in Kentucky, and I'll be able to get set up on a new routine, incorporating my old habits back in, too. My mind has just been elsewhere for so long, but now I feel like I'm ready to get back on track once I'm home.

Closer ... closer ....

I am so excited to give Sue her purse, it's making me a little stupid .... like a little kid on Christmas, and it's not even my gift! Yay ... I only have to wait until tomorrow, at least. I sure hope she likes it; if not, I've got a new purse that I don't know what I'll do with.

Three more working days of ... work ... and then I'm down to the final countdown *cue theme music* My right ankle has, again, been giving me hell and I assume it's from the nice fall weather we've been having lately (hint: it's JUNE). I can't wait to start my eating plan again, and be in nicer weather, and be doing things again ... with my family. I don't know whether to feel happy or sad right now, honestly. My mind has been focused on doing and being and getting stuff together - the logistics of moving and getting from Point A to Point B. Once I'm at Point B, then I'll start getting my mind together.

More than anything, I'm going to miss Matt.

Countdown to extinction!

Well ... not really. It's a countdown to moving, and it's getting closer every day (well, duh - be kind of weird if it were getting farther away). But, I got to experience euphoria from my first purse-buying venture today, and it was sooooo awesome! Can't believe I've never delved into the world of fashion before!

For Sue's upcoming 50th birthday next Friday, I bought her a Dooney & Bourke handbag, and it's spectacular. I even registered it online for her, so it's guaranteed for one year - how awesome is that? And, thanks to some hard-earned survey points from OpinionSquare, I just ordered a Dooney Bourke IT Clear Lunch Bag Tote - for free! I've been secretly coveting this lunch bag since I saw it as an option to use my points on, and I was finally able to do it! I feel awesome!

And, since my birthday is tomorrow, Andrea treated me to a big salad birthday lunch from the cafe as a surprise. Yay! I'm hoping to get some walking in either tonight or tomorrow; it's gorgeous outside, and I won't have boy child with me until Sunday night.

Pretty happy right now, as long as I don't think about the impending move.

Worst. Weekend. Ever.

It truly was, I must say. One of the worst I've ever had, I believe. After finally coming home safely on Sunday night, and having a day to recover on Monday, I feel almost normal again, if not extremely disorganized. It was absolutely a fabulously disastrous weekend, but I did well on my eating.

It's easy to do well when a) there's not much food around and b) you contract a stomach virus that makes you violently vomit up everything you've eaten, as well as have almost-uncontrollable diarrhea. I gotta say, that was a remarkable feat on my part. I became dehydrated and miserable, but hey - I must have lost at least a pound of two from it, right?

Ugh and sigh. While I'm feeling better today and my stomach has calmed to more rational waters, I still feel worn out and icky. On top of that, I've been on my feet doing a lot of stuff today ... and yesterday was worse, so fanning around probably didn't help. Uncommon exercise and diarrhea - a diet recipe for success.

Bah humbug!

I don't even care about this stupid contest anymore, I'm just ready to move and start over. Problem is, I'm a stress eater, a worry eater ... my life right now has been nothing but stress and worry, so yeah - I'm probably gonna gain a couple of pounds before I can be in my new structured settings. I'm going to think about moving back home like going to the Biggest Loser ranch - I'm not going to be allowed to overeat, and I'll be forced to move around. Weight just has to come off then, right?

I'm hoping. I only have a few more weeks left here in Minnesota, then I hit the road. Metaphorically and physically, I might add. The road to weight loss and the road back to Kentucky. Things are going to be better there, I know it.

I still have habits that I picked up here - lots of water, no soda, (mostly) watching what I eat, so I know it won't be hard to get back into the swing of things. I've just been so concentrated on everything and everyone else around me right now, I've sort of forgotten about myself.

As usual.

Uh-oh

Yeah, I gained weight. I'm not shocked, so I wasn't disappointed. I had a horrible month what with being sick and the pulled muscle in my back and just a generally distraught emotional state. The closer I get to leaving, the more I stop caring about this stupid contest. Okay ... it's not that stupid, and I know I need to lose the weight, but right now I'm completely unmotivated and focused on getting stuff ready to move.

I know things will be better once I move and join an actual gym and have regulation to my meals. Weight should come off like butta ... but in the meantime? One word.

Blah.

Finally!

Ahh ... after weeks of sleeping on the floor, I finally have an air mattress! Of course, it didn't come with a pump, but after an hour of using my hair dryer last night, it's mostly inflated and we slept fairly well for the first time in ... well ... a few weeks.

"That time of the month" being over, and my back starting to un-kink itself, I feel like I might be returning to myself again. I was sick, then had back troubles ... can't walk outside due to never-ending rain and cold (seriously, it's May!), so I haven't had the best month. I'm ready to just get the weigh-in over with tomorrow, then start fresh for my last month of the challenge. I may not win, but I'll have given it a good shot. When I get back to Kentucky, I plan on joining the Curves in town and working off some of this weight. It will feel good to finally take a deep breath again and unload some of this weight-sticking stress.

Today, I made a great salad for lunch, it looked fabulous - only when I started topping it did I realize my dressing had gone off. Boo, I had to throw the whole thing away! So instead, I ate a Lean Cuisine panini and a Yoplait yogurt. Brought one back to work, too.

Deals, deals, deals!

So, in my quest for all things cheap and heavily-discounted, I came across this site yesterday called http://www.couponchief.com/. Since I'm a sucker for online shopping, this is a good find, because it has all types of online coupon codes to a bazillion stores. And really ... I don't buy anything without a coupon code.

Since I'm of the bigger persuasion, I'm always on the lookout for Lane Bryant coupons. That store has some amazing deals, you know, if you can hit them on clearance. Right now, though, I'm completely opposed to paying $70 for a pair of jeans, or a shirt or something. Maybe when I'm lean and mean, though ... maybe then ...

I'm also really getting into Dooney & Bourke lately, which is totally not like me at all. But you know, sometimes classy is classy and I thought maybe having a sweet key fob, or agenda ... or *cough* a handbag or something would look really swell for the job interviews I'm inevitably going to be having in these coming months. I really like the Macy's coupons from this site, because again - I refuse to pay full-price for anything but household items, and even then it's a stretch. This way, I can slobber all over Dooney & Bourke or Coach bags and consider actually buying something that might fit in my tiny budget.

Other than the aforementioned stores, you can get all kinds of coupon codes from Coupon Chief, for everything from weight-loss stores (woohoo!), clothing, groceries, children's shtuff - it's really neat. The best part? You can actually get paid to share your coupons, how awesome is that? For every coupon you share and someone uses, you get 2% of the sales! Holy buckets, that's cool!

Okay, so now I'm done touting the awesomeness of Coupon Chief. I'm going to go back to applying extreme heat to my back in the hopes of smoothing out this nasty pulled muscle. I'm dreading weigh-in on Friday :(

Ripley's Believe It or Not

I'm pretty sure I have the plague; in fact, I was just about convinced of it yesterday. After enduring mockery at my expense from my mother, I realized that I do not in fact have the plague. What I do have, however, it a never-ending pulled muscle in my back, and days of diarrhea. Sounds fun, I know, but believe me - its glamour is overrated. With the enduring rain and cold, my pulled muscle and this bug that seems to have taken up temporary residence in my stomach, I'm not only off my walking for exercise thing, but also off my food, too. I don't feel like caring what I eat, even though it's always in the back of my mind. I'm off soda for good, I know, and I'm not eating a whole lot lately. Not out of starvation, just because I'm sick and pretty sure I'm dehydrated. If I lose weight come weigh-in Friday, I'll be amazed.

You know, waif-thin Kate Moss once said, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Obviously she has no taste buds, seeing as how she could have slipped through the cracks between floorboards if she turned the wrong way.

Shock and awe

^That's what I'll feel if I actually lose weight come this weigh-in on the 14th. I feel like a stalwart, like I'm not going anywhere. That's partly contributed to the awesomely crappy weather, which makes me hurt down to my bones and I am not going to walk and/or play outside in the rain/gale winds/cold. It's also contributed to the fact that I sort of momentarily stopped caring what I ate. I mean, I haven't been binging and eating whatever comes down my path, but I've stepped out of my healthy circle and seem to be choosing foods more for comfort than anything.

I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this, and if someone were to delve deep into my psyche, they'd uncover the reason for my weight, and my eating patterns, and my mindset. For those reasons alone, I don't want anyone to do that. I don't want to unearth reasons and discover more about my inner self. I want to choose the lifestyle that's best for me, and not what some overpaid head shrinker can tell me in 50 minutes or less.

Moving and the huge upheaval my life is going to take is more than likely the culprit. I'm stressed and worried and nervous about a whole ton of things - school, work, finding a new job, moving, money - and finding the motivation to care about what I eat falls low on the list. I know this won't happen once I actually move and get settled, but in the meantime, well ... that's all I gots to say about that.

I realize that weigh-in is only 11 days away, and I'm going to do my best to pull it together and make it a good one. Just 3 more pounds and I think I officially hit welter-weight ... or something like that.

Droopy Dog

I'm dragging a little bit lately, not sure why ... maybe the weather? Or maybe it's just too much is on my mind right now. I'm not terribly unhappy, like I have been, I just feel like I'm treading water, stuck in limbo before I go home.

I don't suppose I've been eating that bad lately, but ever since the last weigh-in my focus has been elsewhere. Oh, sure, I always keep eating right and making good choices in the back of my mind, and I can actively play with Jacobi at the playground now, but it's finding the motivation to get up and do something that's really dragging me down.

Maybe next week will be better.

Drumroll, please ....

... and the winner is .... ME! ALWAYS! IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE ME!

Know why?

I'll tell you why.

I lost 5.6 pounds more pounds, as witnessed by yesterday's weigh-in. This brings my grand total of pounds lost to 17!

And the best news?

I lost 3.4 more pounds that my co-worker who is the best at everything she does, according to her.

Ha!

....hahahahahahahahaha.....

I feel really, stupendously, miraculously, wonderful about myself today! I'm doing it!

Take that, wagon. You throw me off, and I climb back on to not only conquer you, but take the reigns and drive you into No Man's Land. Yeahhh, that's what I thought, wagon. Don't ever try to run me over again!

I mean it.

Ah, spring has sprung

Yeah, it's sprung all right .... right into my sinuses, making me snottier than usual, with a cough that won't quit. Ugh and blech.

On the plus side (no pun intended), I really feel like I've developed a rhythm to this eating-to-lose-weight gig, as well as the working out bit. At first, I was feeling down because this co-worker is going to the gym every goddamn day and bragging about all she eats and how much she walks, blah blah blah and so on. However, I may be younger, but I'm not as spry. Should I not have these plates in my foot, yeah - I might work out all the time, too ... in a perfect world where someone could always watch my son, and I didn't have homework, and could wake up any time of day or night and go to the gym. In this perfect world, I might also have no plates in this thar foot, and could stand and run and jog all over the country. Also, I'd be fit and light and wouldn't have to embark on this journey.

This is why perfect worlds don't exist.

What happens when you don't have the money for convenience foods, like I've experienced these last two weeks? Why, you learn to cook for yourself, like in the olden days. Sure, I had a bad week in this past month, but I feel like I not only climbed back on the wagon, but I might be standing firmly on top of the bulkload, looking out over the landscape. I've developed a routine for breakfast every day, which is amazing to me. I learned to make an omelet, and if I eat enough fiber in the morning, I'm full for about 3.5 hours, and then I grab a quick snack. I eat oatmeal in the morning, with a piece of toast or two - I love that 45 calorie wheat bread. Green tea is a must for breakfast, sometimes fruit, sometimes fat-free milk .... all the fiber really keeps me going, I've noticed. I've also been cooking a regular lunch instead of heating up a frozen meal, and it feels good. While I'm not going to discount the goodness of Lean Cuisine, Michelina's or Smart Ones - they do come in handy - I like the feeling of eating something I've prepared even more.

I've also come to love organic foods, which is something I did not think would happen. Matt and I bought some organic french fries one day, and they were seasoned in the bag with garlic and something else. Low in calories, and they were worlds better than the frozen bagged fries, like Ore-Ida or whatever. Not that I haven't even my weight in frozen fries over the last 2 decades - I'm sure I came close. But these were light and airy and just .... good. I also bought some organic whole-wheat tortillas, and while I've been lauding praise over whole-wheat tortillas for awhile now, these were just absolutely delicious and wonderful. I used them to make vegetarian enchiladas last night, and also chicken fajitas with rainbow peppers and onions. I'm learning all kinds of new recipes and ways to live, and I love it.

While not all days are conducive to proper exercise, I've been drinking plenty of water, walking to the park with Jacobi on days it's nice outside, packing to move, walking up and down stairs ... little things. I know it all adds up, and that's what I'm counting on. I've realized that it didn't take me 3 months to gain all this weight, and it's not going to all come off like butter, like magic .... or with a pill. It's a slow, steady, gradual decline that I'm on, and I'm okay with that. I love knowing that I'm becoming healthier and expanding my horizons for both nutrition and exercise ... and that everything will be okay.

Been thinking ...

So I was doing some research yesterday on detox diets, and stumbled across an ancient Indian form of medicine and treatment called ayurveda. It focuses on balancing the mind and body through exercise, stretching, nutrition, etc. and it sounded very intriguing. There was a quiz you could take that determined the type (dosha) you are, and I'm pitta. Sounds anti-climactic, I know, but it describes me fairly well. So, in the spirit of trying some alternative medicine, I'm going to start loosely following the ayurvedic practices in the hopes of balancing my nutrition for a healthier me.

First off, there was a list of good and bad pitta foods, among them some I already enjoy: bananas, peaches, pears, apples, grapes. melon, etc. - those are balancing foods for me, and I should try to stay away from things that have a lot of acid. Beans are a good thing for me, as well as carrots, onions, potatoes, etc. Rice, oats and soy are great balancers, and all things that I really like. I'm going to try and stay away from sugar and red meat for awhile, though, simply because I feel like my body has become overloaded with toxins from preserved food. While this isn't an official "detox", I feel like it's worth a shot to feel healthier.

I've always been a fan of alternative and holistic approaches to medicine and nutrition, so this will be fun. It's going to require superhuman willpower, but just like I weaned off my love for soda, I'll eventually wean off my cravings for sugar.

Worth a shot, right?

A new day

Okay, so I woke up feeling okay, like I can finally drag my sorry ass back up on the wagon and start this all over again. I don't have the money right now, but I've been thinking about trying a plant protein detox just to jumpstart and cleanse, help me get my body on the right track. Life Time makes a plant protein powder mix that I hear is really good. The detox is meant to go for 2 weeks only, but it's not starving yourself ... you still get to eat one or two meals a day. I think I could do that, honestly, it sounds good.

But I guess that's for a later time, when I have more money. And a blender.

Breakfast this morning was a whole wheat tortilla with a tablespoon of peanut butter and a whole banana. Mmm ... kid food, burrito. I'm in love with the whole wheat tortillas, though, and don't think I could go back to eating the white kind. These are so soft and fiberlicious, so I'm stickin with 'em for now. I had a cup of fat-free milk, a cup of green tea, and shared an apple with Jacobi. Plus 32 ounces of water! That's what I'm talking about, I think I can get back on track now. I just hate thinking about food all the time, and that's what seems to happen. Ugh.

Uh-oh

I not only fell off the food wagon, but it ran me over on the way out of town ... two weeks until the monthly weigh-in, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this ...

Bad weekend

Yeah, I fell off the wagon this weekend and ate poorly ... I paid for it by having nightmares all last night and not being able to sleep. Ice cream immediately before bed equals not a good idea. Oh, well. I feel like all hope is NOT gone, and I'll be able to walk the straight and narrow this week. In fact, I know I can. I walked to work with Jacobi this morning ... wasn't even winded. Walked to the park last week, and guess what? Not even winded. I am more able to go out and play with him, more willing to walk more places because my feet don't tire as easily (thanks, Nike!) and I'm not out of breath within half a block. I feel thinner than I look in the mirror, but I guess that will come in time ...

...I'm ready to move back home.

Another week

I'm feeling really good lately, like I can really get this exercise thing down, you know? Walking is getting easier, and eating right is falling into place. I still have a minor setback here and there, but I'm learning how to cook at home for myself using a healthy meals cookbook Mom sent me, so I don't feel like I'm floundering quite as much as before. Some days I feel bloated, and other days I feel like doing absolutely nothing at all except listen to the sound of my ass getting fatter, but I know I can't do that anymore. I'm trying to retrain my brain to do different things, better things, and I know it's going to take some time. My mind volume has been set on "fat" for so long, it's become the new normal, and I need to learn how to view my body differently. My weight shouldn't define my personality, but I feel I've let it.

I'm also learning that even when I can't properly go for a walk to exercise, I can still groove myself by doing other activities - cleaning, laundry, taking the stairs, etc. Anything that gets me moving counts, so screw you, "I go to the gym every day for two hours" girl. I'm doing the best I can, and that means a lot to me.

New Shoes!

I went to Beyond Running last night, and told the salesgirl my footwear dilemna in a few sentences: plates in foot, orthotics in shoes, walk on the side of my feet, right ankle hurts. Okay, well ... that was only a few words. She found the most awesome pair of shoes ever - the Nike Vomero. Size 9.5, pink and white (my fave), and they fit beautifully. I walk better, I feel better ... I just need my right ankle to be stronger. These shoes are designed for people that walk on the sides of their feet, and I do. Well, on my right foot, I do - blame the knee surgery when I was 10, and then breaking both feet later on in life. I'm not wearing sock liners in the shoes, but with my orthotics they feel very good. Yay!

On my 15 minute break at work today, I tested them out by walking around the neighborhood. Other than my eternal boredom from looking at flat, my shoes held up and I made it back to work in good time. Good news? I was barely winded. Maybe this eating right and walking gig has some merit to it - I seem to be strengthening my lungs and stamina.

Last night, I ate at Taco Bell - not the best, I know, but it was late and I'd been so good all day long. I was also tired and really jacked up on endorphins from finding good shoes. Sue me, I walked it off today and have been moderating what I eat. At this very moment, I feel like I could conquer the world and never give up. I will meet my goal, one way or the other.

Frown :(

Another four pounds down. I'm never going break land-speed records with a loss of one pound per week, but that makes it 12 pounds gone since January. Well, since January 15th, when the first weigh-in was. I feel down, though. Shouldn't I be happy I lost 12 pounds? That's more than a lot of people, right?

I could probably celebrate in my happy news if it wasn't for this co-worker who thinks she's God's Gift to Nutrition and Fitness. She says she works out two hours a day, at least five days a week. She's the one that cut out flour, sugar, meat, etc. and all this stuff. Of course she's going to rapidly lose weight, it's like being at the fat farm. You think all those people on the Biggest Loser got that way on their own? No ... they spent 16 hours a day working out and eating right, with personal trainers and life coaches. Of course they'll drop it quickly.

If I had someone to watch my son for a blessed two-hour interval every day, I'd spend some of it working out, sure. However, I don't. I don't have someone to cook for me and watch my child, like she does. If I didn't work while he was at school, sure - I'd have time to work out and firm up. But I don't. So she stands around talking about how much weight she's lost, and how good she feels and looks, and all of her fitness tips and routines and what she ate and stuff until I feel like smothering her with that exercise ball she's always talking about. Or maybe choking her with the stop chain from the treadmill. It might make me feel better, sure, but I can't afford bail.

Once she started going on and squealing about how much weight she'd lost, and having everyone gather around to tell her how awesome she was for losing that weight, I cried. I know I'm different, everyone is different, some people lose weight at slower paces than others and that it shouldn't matter how much I lost, I'm still losing ... but it hurt. No one congratulates me on how well I'm doing, I just keep plugging along with no accolades, knowing that I'm feeling thinner inside but my outside hasn't caught up to my mind yet.

I just want to start this day over.

Okay, well ...

Obviously, posting from my cell phone isn't going to work anymore. Not like it worked before, but I thought I'd give it a shot and instead it looks like I'm speaking the same language as Balki. No more will I post from my cell how hard it is to resist the temptation of a corn dog, even when once isn't being dangled in front of my face.

I did manage to resist the fast-food temptation yesterday by opting for a salad at Walmart instead - 240 calories, I felt proud ... until I really looked at the nutrition information and realized it was also 660mg of sodium. Sigh. When will this eating healthy thing start to become second nature? Maybe when someone else is living with me and showing me how it's done? Possibly.

Weigh-in after 10:00 this morning. What if I haven't lost any weight? I mean, I doubt I've gained my eight pounds back, but it's a scary thing, the unknown weight equivalent.

Thrown off

I feel like my whole day is out of whack. Took Jacobi to the chiropractor this morning for an adjustment, but since I had to miss work to do so, I feel like my eating is off. Doesn't help I'm still sick to my stomach from this horrendous, wretched, awful monthly aggravation, either. I feel like diving face-first into the biggest pile of crap food I can find. Even if icing gets wedged in unholy places, I feel like I could live with that - an icing-induced coma from a sugar enema can't be the worst way to die, can it?

I've managed to get by with a burrito from the gas station (my only concession to crap food so far today), a Smart Ones meal for lunch, lots of water and a mozzarella string cheese stick. I feel like eating my fingers.

A co-worker mentioned to me, "well, if you're hungry, you should eat." It's that theory that made me this way in the first place ... that and a countless amount of double cheeseburgers and grease, coupled with an unhealthy dose of stress on the side. If I go by that advice, I'll eat my way into a grave by the end of the day.

Pep in my step

Yup, after a horribly awful period this month, I woke up this morning feeling better and more energetic. Those things really take the wind out of you, make you feel like crap. For awhile, I felt like my limbs were made of pewter, or something else really heavy and weighty - I had no energy to do anything, and walking my 15 minutes at work was a pain in the ass. However, no more! For the next 3 or 4 weeks, I will be energetic enough to tackle any food life throws at me with my incredible ninja-like powers and cat-like reflexes. Hi-ya!

Reality check: I will probably be energetic enough to sit through work, handle Jacobi and do some other things that life requires, such as homework or cooking or ... cleaning ... or laundry ... or ... sigh. The list goes on and on. Maybe I got some better quality sleep last night, and that's why I feel like tackling the world head-on today. Or maybe ... the planets aligned in the night, Chile righted itself to the right those 8 or 10 feet again, the weather patterns have changed and are melting the snow the world over!

Or maybe my period is over and I feel like myself again.

Last night was a typical "I don't feel good and need comfort food" night, which happens for a few days a month - I didn't eat very well. Dinner is my weak point; I do fine for breakfast, lunch and snacks, then dinner seems to blow it all out of the water. Jenny Craig seemed to think this was not normal ... therefore, I have stopped listening to Ms. Craig and have been following my own rules and advice, which just happen to closely resemble Craig's advice of high fiber and low calories. She failed to mention, however, that I would be ravenous come dinner time, so I packed her bags and sent her on her merry way. Bye-bye!

Today is a new day, and I feel ready to conquer the world....and my weight.

And so it begins

Okay, well ... hi there. My name is Mary, and I'm 2 months into this whole weight-loss effort. Why, you ask? Well, many reasons. I can't keep blaming "baby weight" on why I'm fat when my son is three-and-a-half. I'm also tired of not finding bras that fit right, cramming my bosom into cups that are too small or too big, sometimes having to use an extender. I'd like to knock some "x's" off my clothing labels, too ... but that's only part of it. There's no reason I should struggle walking like I do. Sure, I have metal plates holding one of my feet together, pffft. Who doesn't? Okay...lots of people, sure...sigh. I have no excuse for why I'm the way I am. I'm an emotional eater and struggle with willpower. There. It's out in the open now.

The heaviest I ever got was during my pregnancy, when I topped off somewhere over 340 pounds. I lost some of it naturally, then hit postpartum depression and never really got out of it, so I just stopped caring, basically. I had bigger fish to fry, pardon the pun, and taking care of myself was waaaaay down the list, right after "take care of baby, clean house, go to work, cook dinner, do laundry, find time to sleep..." Right. My list of to-do's got almost as big as I did.

The place I work started a Biggest Loser challenge this year, and I joined. Why the hell not? I have weight to lose, and even though it's not going to be a quick process, I'm more than ready. I'd already proclaimed 2010 as the Year to Reclaim My Life, and made resolutions to go back to school (which I did), pay off debt (which I started working on) and the ever popular LOSE WEIGHT (which I'm trying). First weigh-in was January 15th, and it was a depressing 320 pounds. Oh, well. Time to start.

Problem, though - I have a hard time finding an exercise that lets my gimpy body workout without collapsing. And I don't mean from the hard effort - I mean collapsing as in the whole internal structure of my body will deteriorate and leave me a fleshy puddle on the floor. I'm missing cartilage from my right knee, have arthritis in my knees, shoulder and feet, struggle with daily activities from the plates in my left foot ... in other words, I'm a mess. I love to walk, sure, but my feet don't always cooperate. I bought a trampoline, for all the good that does; it's an awesome stand for my school books.

Last weigh-in was February 12th, when I shocked myself by losing eight pounds - 312 now. Okay, that's good! But my life seems to just get a little more stressful as time goes by, and now I'm a little scared of the next official weigh-in on March 15th. I walk when I can, watch what I eat, but seriously ... the girl taking our weights and charting our losses is an avid runner who believes in the Kate Moss Theory of Dieting: "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels." I'm not going to deprive my body of stuff it needs or wants, but I'm also not going to scarf down a bag of mini-doughnuts because I'm frustrated. Portion control is where it's at, baby. I can't spend the rest of my life drinking my meals, or whipping out my Points Counter at every available chance to put something in my mouth.

One of the girls in the challenge works out 2 hours a day and stopped eating red meat, dairy, carbs, blah blah blah ... might as well have cut food out altogether, of course you're going to lose weight! If I had someone to watch my child while I went to the gym, of course I'd work out - but I don't, so I can't. Instead, I walk around the building on my 15-minute breaks at work, and when time allows at home, sometimes I pop a walking video in the DVD player and sweat it out to a 15-minute mile. Other times ... oh, well. I'm not perfect. I drink lots of water and take the stairs when my feet allow, watch what I eat ... isn't that enough? I'll lose weight when I lose it, not because some statistic tells me I should be losing x-amount of pounds per week or month. So what if it takes me a year, two years? I can say I did it, can't I? Even if I lose 4 pounds a month, I still lost, right?

Right. Motivation.

Weigh-in on Monday ... I didn't do so well yesterday, pizza was a temptation I couldn't resist. Today is a new day, though, and I'm not going to give up.