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March 29, 2010

Bad weekend

Yeah, I fell off the wagon this weekend and ate poorly ... I paid for it by having nightmares all last night and not being able to sleep. Ice cream immediately before bed equals not a good idea. Oh, well. I feel like all hope is NOT gone, and I'll be able to walk the straight and narrow this week. In fact, I know I can. I walked to work with Jacobi this morning ... wasn't even winded. Walked to the park last week, and guess what? Not even winded. I am more able to go out and play with him, more willing to walk more places because my feet don't tire as easily (thanks, Nike!) and I'm not out of breath within half a block. I feel thinner than I look in the mirror, but I guess that will come in time ...

...I'm ready to move back home.

March 22, 2010

Another week

I'm feeling really good lately, like I can really get this exercise thing down, you know? Walking is getting easier, and eating right is falling into place. I still have a minor setback here and there, but I'm learning how to cook at home for myself using a healthy meals cookbook Mom sent me, so I don't feel like I'm floundering quite as much as before. Some days I feel bloated, and other days I feel like doing absolutely nothing at all except listen to the sound of my ass getting fatter, but I know I can't do that anymore. I'm trying to retrain my brain to do different things, better things, and I know it's going to take some time. My mind volume has been set on "fat" for so long, it's become the new normal, and I need to learn how to view my body differently. My weight shouldn't define my personality, but I feel I've let it.

I'm also learning that even when I can't properly go for a walk to exercise, I can still groove myself by doing other activities - cleaning, laundry, taking the stairs, etc. Anything that gets me moving counts, so screw you, "I go to the gym every day for two hours" girl. I'm doing the best I can, and that means a lot to me.

March 17, 2010

New Shoes!

I went to Beyond Running last night, and told the salesgirl my footwear dilemna in a few sentences: plates in foot, orthotics in shoes, walk on the side of my feet, right ankle hurts. Okay, well ... that was only a few words. She found the most awesome pair of shoes ever - the Nike Vomero. Size 9.5, pink and white (my fave), and they fit beautifully. I walk better, I feel better ... I just need my right ankle to be stronger. These shoes are designed for people that walk on the sides of their feet, and I do. Well, on my right foot, I do - blame the knee surgery when I was 10, and then breaking both feet later on in life. I'm not wearing sock liners in the shoes, but with my orthotics they feel very good. Yay!

On my 15 minute break at work today, I tested them out by walking around the neighborhood. Other than my eternal boredom from looking at flat, my shoes held up and I made it back to work in good time. Good news? I was barely winded. Maybe this eating right and walking gig has some merit to it - I seem to be strengthening my lungs and stamina.

Last night, I ate at Taco Bell - not the best, I know, but it was late and I'd been so good all day long. I was also tired and really jacked up on endorphins from finding good shoes. Sue me, I walked it off today and have been moderating what I eat. At this very moment, I feel like I could conquer the world and never give up. I will meet my goal, one way or the other.

March 15, 2010

Frown :(

Another four pounds down. I'm never going break land-speed records with a loss of one pound per week, but that makes it 12 pounds gone since January. Well, since January 15th, when the first weigh-in was. I feel down, though. Shouldn't I be happy I lost 12 pounds? That's more than a lot of people, right?

I could probably celebrate in my happy news if it wasn't for this co-worker who thinks she's God's Gift to Nutrition and Fitness. She says she works out two hours a day, at least five days a week. She's the one that cut out flour, sugar, meat, etc. and all this stuff. Of course she's going to rapidly lose weight, it's like being at the fat farm. You think all those people on the Biggest Loser got that way on their own? No ... they spent 16 hours a day working out and eating right, with personal trainers and life coaches. Of course they'll drop it quickly.

If I had someone to watch my son for a blessed two-hour interval every day, I'd spend some of it working out, sure. However, I don't. I don't have someone to cook for me and watch my child, like she does. If I didn't work while he was at school, sure - I'd have time to work out and firm up. But I don't. So she stands around talking about how much weight she's lost, and how good she feels and looks, and all of her fitness tips and routines and what she ate and stuff until I feel like smothering her with that exercise ball she's always talking about. Or maybe choking her with the stop chain from the treadmill. It might make me feel better, sure, but I can't afford bail.

Once she started going on and squealing about how much weight she'd lost, and having everyone gather around to tell her how awesome she was for losing that weight, I cried. I know I'm different, everyone is different, some people lose weight at slower paces than others and that it shouldn't matter how much I lost, I'm still losing ... but it hurt. No one congratulates me on how well I'm doing, I just keep plugging along with no accolades, knowing that I'm feeling thinner inside but my outside hasn't caught up to my mind yet.

I just want to start this day over.

Okay, well ...

Obviously, posting from my cell phone isn't going to work anymore. Not like it worked before, but I thought I'd give it a shot and instead it looks like I'm speaking the same language as Balki. No more will I post from my cell how hard it is to resist the temptation of a corn dog, even when once isn't being dangled in front of my face.

I did manage to resist the fast-food temptation yesterday by opting for a salad at Walmart instead - 240 calories, I felt proud ... until I really looked at the nutrition information and realized it was also 660mg of sodium. Sigh. When will this eating healthy thing start to become second nature? Maybe when someone else is living with me and showing me how it's done? Possibly.

Weigh-in after 10:00 this morning. What if I haven't lost any weight? I mean, I doubt I've gained my eight pounds back, but it's a scary thing, the unknown weight equivalent.

March 12, 2010

Thrown off

I feel like my whole day is out of whack. Took Jacobi to the chiropractor this morning for an adjustment, but since I had to miss work to do so, I feel like my eating is off. Doesn't help I'm still sick to my stomach from this horrendous, wretched, awful monthly aggravation, either. I feel like diving face-first into the biggest pile of crap food I can find. Even if icing gets wedged in unholy places, I feel like I could live with that - an icing-induced coma from a sugar enema can't be the worst way to die, can it?

I've managed to get by with a burrito from the gas station (my only concession to crap food so far today), a Smart Ones meal for lunch, lots of water and a mozzarella string cheese stick. I feel like eating my fingers.

A co-worker mentioned to me, "well, if you're hungry, you should eat." It's that theory that made me this way in the first place ... that and a countless amount of double cheeseburgers and grease, coupled with an unhealthy dose of stress on the side. If I go by that advice, I'll eat my way into a grave by the end of the day.

March 11, 2010

Pep in my step

Yup, after a horribly awful period this month, I woke up this morning feeling better and more energetic. Those things really take the wind out of you, make you feel like crap. For awhile, I felt like my limbs were made of pewter, or something else really heavy and weighty - I had no energy to do anything, and walking my 15 minutes at work was a pain in the ass. However, no more! For the next 3 or 4 weeks, I will be energetic enough to tackle any food life throws at me with my incredible ninja-like powers and cat-like reflexes. Hi-ya!

Reality check: I will probably be energetic enough to sit through work, handle Jacobi and do some other things that life requires, such as homework or cooking or ... cleaning ... or laundry ... or ... sigh. The list goes on and on. Maybe I got some better quality sleep last night, and that's why I feel like tackling the world head-on today. Or maybe ... the planets aligned in the night, Chile righted itself to the right those 8 or 10 feet again, the weather patterns have changed and are melting the snow the world over!

Or maybe my period is over and I feel like myself again.

Last night was a typical "I don't feel good and need comfort food" night, which happens for a few days a month - I didn't eat very well. Dinner is my weak point; I do fine for breakfast, lunch and snacks, then dinner seems to blow it all out of the water. Jenny Craig seemed to think this was not normal ... therefore, I have stopped listening to Ms. Craig and have been following my own rules and advice, which just happen to closely resemble Craig's advice of high fiber and low calories. She failed to mention, however, that I would be ravenous come dinner time, so I packed her bags and sent her on her merry way. Bye-bye!

Today is a new day, and I feel ready to conquer the world....and my weight.

March 10, 2010

And so it begins

Okay, well ... hi there. My name is Mary, and I'm 2 months into this whole weight-loss effort. Why, you ask? Well, many reasons. I can't keep blaming "baby weight" on why I'm fat when my son is three-and-a-half. I'm also tired of not finding bras that fit right, cramming my bosom into cups that are too small or too big, sometimes having to use an extender. I'd like to knock some "x's" off my clothing labels, too ... but that's only part of it. There's no reason I should struggle walking like I do. Sure, I have metal plates holding one of my feet together, pffft. Who doesn't? Okay...lots of people, sure...sigh. I have no excuse for why I'm the way I am. I'm an emotional eater and struggle with willpower. There. It's out in the open now.

The heaviest I ever got was during my pregnancy, when I topped off somewhere over 340 pounds. I lost some of it naturally, then hit postpartum depression and never really got out of it, so I just stopped caring, basically. I had bigger fish to fry, pardon the pun, and taking care of myself was waaaaay down the list, right after "take care of baby, clean house, go to work, cook dinner, do laundry, find time to sleep..." Right. My list of to-do's got almost as big as I did.

The place I work started a Biggest Loser challenge this year, and I joined. Why the hell not? I have weight to lose, and even though it's not going to be a quick process, I'm more than ready. I'd already proclaimed 2010 as the Year to Reclaim My Life, and made resolutions to go back to school (which I did), pay off debt (which I started working on) and the ever popular LOSE WEIGHT (which I'm trying). First weigh-in was January 15th, and it was a depressing 320 pounds. Oh, well. Time to start.

Problem, though - I have a hard time finding an exercise that lets my gimpy body workout without collapsing. And I don't mean from the hard effort - I mean collapsing as in the whole internal structure of my body will deteriorate and leave me a fleshy puddle on the floor. I'm missing cartilage from my right knee, have arthritis in my knees, shoulder and feet, struggle with daily activities from the plates in my left foot ... in other words, I'm a mess. I love to walk, sure, but my feet don't always cooperate. I bought a trampoline, for all the good that does; it's an awesome stand for my school books.

Last weigh-in was February 12th, when I shocked myself by losing eight pounds - 312 now. Okay, that's good! But my life seems to just get a little more stressful as time goes by, and now I'm a little scared of the next official weigh-in on March 15th. I walk when I can, watch what I eat, but seriously ... the girl taking our weights and charting our losses is an avid runner who believes in the Kate Moss Theory of Dieting: "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels." I'm not going to deprive my body of stuff it needs or wants, but I'm also not going to scarf down a bag of mini-doughnuts because I'm frustrated. Portion control is where it's at, baby. I can't spend the rest of my life drinking my meals, or whipping out my Points Counter at every available chance to put something in my mouth.

One of the girls in the challenge works out 2 hours a day and stopped eating red meat, dairy, carbs, blah blah blah ... might as well have cut food out altogether, of course you're going to lose weight! If I had someone to watch my child while I went to the gym, of course I'd work out - but I don't, so I can't. Instead, I walk around the building on my 15-minute breaks at work, and when time allows at home, sometimes I pop a walking video in the DVD player and sweat it out to a 15-minute mile. Other times ... oh, well. I'm not perfect. I drink lots of water and take the stairs when my feet allow, watch what I eat ... isn't that enough? I'll lose weight when I lose it, not because some statistic tells me I should be losing x-amount of pounds per week or month. So what if it takes me a year, two years? I can say I did it, can't I? Even if I lose 4 pounds a month, I still lost, right?

Right. Motivation.

Weigh-in on Monday ... I didn't do so well yesterday, pizza was a temptation I couldn't resist. Today is a new day, though, and I'm not going to give up.